Eclectic ramblings

He follows me

on March 16, 2015

He follows me and leaves me behind. He waits and lies and lies in wait.  False hope is thrown at me with abandon by people with degrees but no degree of empathy. I hear him in my thoughts and feel him moving in my veins, seeping, dripping and overwhelming me, every part of me on fire. I take some hope and still he is here only now I am defenseless.  I have no strength to fight and no will to be free.  I accept him.  He is here, he is surrounding me swamping me and blanketing me with suffocating grief until I can longer breath. Then, is it any wonder I have anger deep inside?  Why don’t they know why I hurt?  Why can’t they stop it? Why me? Why now?

He confuses me.  Makes me angry with everyone and everything.  Simple sentences make no sense and I speak nonsense. I grasp at ideas of normality clinging to ideals of what my life is like, would be like.  I want to scream and fucking rip him out of me.  Pulling and pulling on my veins for relief, purging me so I am not angry so I can stop screaming in my head so I am quiet again.

To be quiet again.  I won’t.  I can’t.   He follows me.  He waits. He lies in wait. Waiting to make a liar of me. He is Pain. He is scum. He is shit. I can’t tell people how I feel. How can I? I can’t see that look in their eye. I can’t because I have to admit how fucking shit He is. How he beats me and drags me and yells at me and leaves me a shitty shrivelling sniveling mess. I want to scream in His face but he has no face. His face is mine. I want to scrape His skin off His bones but His skin is mine and His bones are mine. He is me.


9 responses to “He follows me

  1. OzzyGirl says:

    Very well written. Accurate to how he feels yo me as well.

  2. OzzyGirl says:

    Reblogged this on OzzyPlayaGirl and commented:
    This is an excellent description of pain and how “he” runs through a life.

  3. Brilliant description. I have reblogged it on my own page – it is down as a scheduled post so you should see it on Thursday of this week. I have linked back to your blog on my post. Thank you

  4. […] saw this the other day on a blog I follow and thought I would re-blog it here as I think it is a very good description of chronic […]

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