I bleed for him

He shouts and screams
Pulls me from dreams
Demanding I listen and
Pamper to his throbbing
Slicing into my day.
I am awake early
4am wake up and shake up call
It ebbs and flows like
A knife cutting meat
In and out, slashing and
Pulling apart this slab
Of human flesh.
I bleed for him
And still he is not sated
He cries for more,
My sobbing ignored.
I cannot keep doing this
And yet
I do, I do, I do
I am shackled
I am tied
His tongue flitting over me
Leaving agony
I bleed for you
I do, I do, I do

Holding

Today is a holding breath day.

A day when I breathe out and don’t  realise I was 

Holding it in. 

Waiting with baited breath.

My chest is paralysed by unsaid words

Letting go is so painful.

I know I need to, I need to say goodbye

For my own sanity.

And yet …How do I close the door on all

The beauty you brought to my life?

The stars you sprinkled in an otherwise dull sky?

The flowers you planted in an empty meadow?

The wings you gave me to soar to places I’d never been?

The promises you made when you kissed me

Like no other has ever kissed me before.

A piece of me will always love you,

Always feel you.

Always think of you.

So tell me how do I let you go for good?

You are you

I hold it in my hands still, my love.

It pools and sits and swells

It trips on my lips as I stumble over words

It plays on my mind as I overthink

And worry I’ve said something wrong

And this is it.

The moment you will leave me.

You already left me once as a lover

I don’t want you to leave as a friend too.

I sit

I breathe

I think

You are you. Infinitely forgiving of

My rambling, my silly mistakes and lapses

In memory.

I remind myself to be still. 

To forgive myself and just be.

In this moment we are ok. 

Fallen

Silence speaks louder than your words ever could.

Your silence sounds awkward.

I can hear the sound you make when you have no words

I start to fall.

I read what I’ve written over and over but can’t find anything

Amiss.

I surmise you have just ran out of words for the day.

You’ve reached the limit and that is ok.

You find another way to reach out 

I am falling.

Those perfectly formed little red hearts

Littered through our conversation, unseen.

They feel like your hand on my back

Steadying me, supporting me.

And I am fallen.

Our Book

I’ve placed our book in a safe place.

I open it everyday and gently stroke the pages.

I often recall favourite paragraphs,

Knowing them by heart, they

Always bring a smile.

I wonder if you do too.

Fallen

Silence speaks louder than your words ever could.

Your silence sounds awkward.

I can hear the sound you make when you have no words and I start to fall.

I read what I’ve written over and over but cant find anything

Amiss.

I surmise you have just ran out of words for the day.

You’ve reached the limit and that is ok.

You find another way to reach out and 

I am falling.

Those perfectly formed little red hearts

Littered through our conversation, unseen.

They feel like your hand reaching for mine

Steadying me, supporting me, catching me.

I am fallen.

Tissuepaper Promises

Tissuepaper promises fell from his perfectly formed lips.

She picked them up eagerly, mistaking them for stone.

They fell apart just at cloud nine and she fell,

Tumbling, free falling with nothing to grasp.

Her familial corner not empty but full of imposters.

She feels truly alone.

Always the black sheep next to the blue eyed boy,

Now she stands singular.

The person she wants to turn to left her. 

What is she to do? 

Betrayed by all who were her foundations.

Left because she deserved more than he could give.

She would take a morsal of what she had before if it meant a moment of peace with him. 

Craving it she caves and sends a missive,

Instant regret that she has opened the wound again.

Healing

I heard a voice whisper to me as I struggled yet again to sleep. My mind was racing and my heart aching for him and the future I had lost.

“Close your eyes and sleep my sweet,

It won’t always be like this

One day you will wake and

Your heart won’t feel heavy

Your mind will be at peace

And you will know happiness again”

I felt a gentle touch on my hair stroking and soothing as I did as the voice said. I drifted off and dreamt of happy times past and yet to be.

Elemental Lie

The fug descends, thick and heavy

She tries to shake it off but it is immovable

Thoughts of happy times and people

She holds dear just mute it for

A little while.

Once alone it coats her like honey,

Thick, clawing and gloopy.

Suspicions of chemical shenanigans

Are proved right when she

Digests more that bring her back up

Through the fug to a level playable

With everyone else.

She is happy again but can’t help but wonder

If she really is happy or if it is

A forced elemental high.

She decides she is happy and the fug

Is the elemental lie.

Letter to my lover: Part III

Sometimes I wonder if you hear my thoughts

Me telling you I love you over and over.

Often I wonder if you love me too.

I often think of telling you but don’t for fear

It will be too much. I will be too much.

But then I look at you looking at me and wonder

If you are having the same conversation in your

Own head. Struggling with whether I want to hear it.

I do. I really do.

I want to be brave. I want to be the person you think I am.

The person you would love and be loved by.

I wonder when the best time will be to break this

Joyous news. I figure there isn’t a perfect time.

Never will be a right time. I’ll settle for a best time.

I tell myself I don’t mind if you don’t love me back.

I just want you to know how much you mean to me.

And that is true but I don’t want us to change.

I don’t want you to feel obligated to say it back.

I want it to make ‘Us’ stronger. Sometimes we feel so fragile.

My anxiety makes us feel like a butterflies wing.

One word or deed wrong and you will flutter away, ‘Us’ will

Disintegrate before my eyes.

But then I feel how strong we are. Like nothing will break ‘Us’.

I’m not used to that feeling.

I love you, I love you I love you.

I practise saying it everyday so it comes naturally.

When will I say it? Will I say it? And again I start the

Same conversation in my head.

But what a beautiful conversation to have.

I love you.